Funny & Humorous Quotations

Hope arouses, as nothing else can arouse, a passion for the possible.
~Author : William Sloane Coffin cool Famous Quotes

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
~Author : Dorothy Parker Inspirational Sayings

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.
~Author : Alan Alda Nice Quotes

Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you’ve conquered human nature.
~Author : Charles Dickens Great cool Sayings

You must be the change you want to see in the world.
~Author : Mahatma Gandhi Meaningful Sayings

We used to think that if we knew one, we knew two, because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about ‘and’.
~Author : Sir Arthur Eddington Popular Sayings

Our belief at the beginning of a doubtful undertaking is the one thing that assures the successful outcome of any venture.
~Author : William James Wise cool Quotes

Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
~Author : J R R Tolkien Witty funny Sayings

Our pleasures were simple-they included survival.
~Author : Dwight D Eisenhower Motivational Sayings

He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.
~Author : Johann von Goethe Famous Quotes

The salvation of the lost is not best accomplished by great popular campaigns, conducted by a small minority of specialists in public evangelism, but by the godly, honest witness of believers individually. It is pure irresponsibility to leave the evangelization of the lost to the ‘experts,’ as many are doing today. God would have every believer do his part to win the lost to Christ by prayer, personal witness and sincere godliness.
~Author : Cornelius Stam Inspirational funny Sayings

There are no optimistic or pessimistic personalities. There are only single, individual choices for optimistic or pessimistic thoughts.
~Author : Steve Chandler Nice funny Quotes

Recently, I was asked if I was going to fire an employee who made a mistake that cost the company 600,000. No, I replied, I just spent 600,000 training him. Why would I want somebody to hire his experience
~Author : Thomas John Watson Sr Senior Quotes

History has proven, God has never given anyone a dream Without also including the power to achieve that dream It is up to us to claim the power and go after that dream, Or just claim , it was only a dream.
~Author : Unknown Senior Sayings

Nothing surely is so disgraceful to society and to individuals as unmeaning wastefulness.
~Author : Count Benjamin Thompson Rumford Nice Quotes

It’s not a field, I think, for people who need to have success every day if you can’t live with a nightly sort of disaster, you should get out. I wouldn’t describe myself as lacking in confidence, but I would just say that the ghosts you chase you never catch.
~Author : John Malkovich Great Sayings

We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It’s a messy business, life. It’s hard to figure–full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.
~Author : Henry Bromel Meaningful Sayings

As long as we separate this ‘oneness’ into two, we won’t achieve realization.
~Author : Bruce Lee Wise Quotes

So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.
~Author : Benjamin Franklin Motivational Sayings

I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them.
~Author : Pablo Picasso Famous Quotes

This world is the great gymnasium where we come to make ourselves strong.
~Author : Swami Vivekananda Inspirational Sayings

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin…so where you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you’re too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like? - Jean Cocturan

Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the
priviledge

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. - Dick Cavett

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Never start frowning because you never know who’s falling in love
with your smile

Always give 3 weeks notice when you quit. It gives you extra time to screw around.

If you need space join NASA!

# Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. (Woody Allen)
# Don’t do it behind the garden gate. Love is blind but the neighbors ain’t! (Anonymous)
# My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Anonymous)
# There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. (Lynn Lavner)
# Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship. (Sharon Stone)
# When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. (Anonymous)
# Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation… The other eight are unimportant. (Henry Miller)
# Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. (Sophia Loren)
# Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part. (Aimee Mullins)
# Any piece of clothing can be sexy, with a quietly passionate woman inside it. (Anonymous)
# Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (Billy Crystal)
# I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. (George Burns)

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction.
~Author : Mae West Inspirational Sayings

People fail forward to success.
~Author : Mary Kay Ash Nice Quotes

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
~Author : Rodney Dangerfield Great Sayings

The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty and the destiny of the republican model of government are justly considered… deeply, …finally, staked on the experiment entrusted to the hands of the American people.
~Author : George Washington First Inaugural Address Apr 30 1789 Meaningful Sayings

Of all afflictions, the worst is self-contempt.
~Author : Berthold Auerbach Wise Quotes

He that fears your presence will hate you absence.
~Author : Thomas Fuller Motivational Sayings

Make voyages - Attempt them - there’s nothing else…
~Author : Tennessee Williams Nice Quotes

Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.
~Author : George Eliot Great Sayings

In Israel, in order to be a realist you must believe in miracles.
~Author : David BenGurion Meaningful Sayings

I’ve always tried to do my best on the ball field. I can’t do any more than that. I always try to give one hundred percent and if my team loses, I come back and give one hundred percent the next day.
~Author : Jesse Barfield Wise Quotes

I say that good painters imitated nature but that bad ones vomited it.
~Author : Miguel de Cervantes Motivational Sayings

We cannot escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us on all our exciting adventures.
~Author : Susan Jeffers Famous Quotes

You know, it was only a generation ago that actors couldn’t be buried in the churchyard.
~Author : Ronald Reagan Inspirational Sayings

You only live once but if you work it right, once is enough.
~Author : Joe E Lewis Famous Quotes

If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
~Author : Hugh Elliott Standing Room Only weblog 050104 Inspirational Sayings

There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country really needs is a good five-cent nickel.
~Author : Franklin P Adams Nice Quotes

Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army.
~Author : Edward Everett Great Sayings

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.
~Author : Lord Acton Letter to Mary Gladstone 1881 Meaningful Sayings

All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.
~Author : Stendhal Wise Quotes

Nonsense and noise will oft prevail, when honour and affection fail.
~Author : William Lloyd Motivational Sayings

Dost thou love life Then do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of.
~Author : Benjamin Franklin Famous Quotes

“Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”
Mark Twain

“Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
German Greer

“There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”
Homer

“The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.”
Polish Proverb

“Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”
Anonymous

“When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.”
Anonymous

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
Mark Twain

“You can get all A’s and still flunk life.”
Walker Percy

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
Woody Allen

“I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”
Yogi Berra

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”
Neil Gaiman

“I do not know what ‘moss’ stands for in the proverb, but if it stood for useful knowledge… I gathered more moss by rolling than I ever did at school.”
Ernest Shakleton

“A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.”
George Santayana